Archive for category School bullying

Everyone has seen the news stories, read the newspaper reports, and has discussed the real issues of bullying. For many of us, it’s simply a

matter of saying, “I’m glad that it hasn’t happened to my child.”

Or has it?

Many times our children are afraid to tell us that they are being victimized.

This may be for a variety of reasons. They may be afraid that parents will think of them as being weak. They may have been threatened that bad things will happen if they tell anyone. He/she might feel guilty about ‘making a fuss over nothing’. Maybe the child feels like they deserve the bullying. They may also feel that they cannot talk to you.

There are a number of reasons that you may or may not know about.

We will try to help you recognize the signs and assist you in resolving the problem of bullying in this article.

Bullying can include one or more of the following types:

threats, verbal abuse, being left out, name calling, harassment, teasing, hitting, pushing, and ignoring.

If you look at the list above and think back to when you were in school, you are likely to relate to one or more of these things happening to you

or someone you know. The degree and effect these actions have on a child determines the action that we, as parents, need to take in order to help.

What to look for:

1. Bruises, cuts, or scratches

2. Sudden fears

3. Excessive headaches and stomach aches

4. Nightmares

5. Bed wetting

6. Afraid to go to school

7. Changes in eating habits

8. Changes in sleeping habits

9. Withdrawn

10. Broken or missing possessions

11. Pretending to be sick in order to stay home from school

12. Mood swings

13. Abnormal amount of calls from school wanting to come home sick

If you see these signs, do not jump to the conclusion that there is a bully in your child’s life.

Think of other things that may be bothering

your child. Has there been a divorce in your family? Is there a new baby? Have you recently moved?

If the answer is bullying, it may be a difficult subject for your child to talk about. How you approach the situation will make all the difference in how it is rectified.

Try a gentle approach. Your child may deny being bullied. This may just be an excuse to avoid talking about it. Let them know that no child

deserves to be bullied. Also, explain to them that bullying is more than just physical actions. Review the types of bullying with your children.

When they feel that they are in danger, reassure them that asking for help is not tattling.

Your child may be too distressed to talk about it. Try to avoid pressuring them into giving you all the information at one time. Let your child know that you want to help and you are willing to listen anytime he/she wants to talk.

You may get angry yourself about the bullying, but be careful. It’s okay to say to your child that you are upset or angry, but remain calm. Your child will feel safe when they know that you are in control of your emotions and the situation.

Whatever you do, don’t dismiss the bullying as simply a little teasing.

Your child could be feeling a lot of stress. When a child is bullied, whether it is verbal or physical, it is humiliating and can damage self-esteem as well as overall mental health.

Sometimes it is not another child that is being the bully; it might be an adult. For example, it could be his/her teacher, a neighbor, or a friend’s parent. In any event, tread lightly as you uncover the problem. Once you know who the bully is, you must have a plan to defeat the problem.

The key is to make sure your child feels secure as you remedy the bullying situation.

If you have determined that your child has become the victim of a bully, then you MUST intervene and correct the problem.

The question is, how?

It is difficult to reason with a bully. They tend to be very troubled children with poor social skills and tumultuous family situations. Most of them crave affection and acceptance.

Please don’t advise your child to ‘fight back’. He/she could get hurt. The very nature of bullying is that it is done by a person or a group of people who have power over their victim in some way – either physical, through size or strength or numbers, or psychological, through surprise or manipulation. Children who are bullied feel powerless in those situations and have very little chance of defending themselves.

The bullying must be stopped as quickly as possible. The longer it continues, the more likely the target child will become hurt both mentally and physically. Some victims eventually begin expressing their anger toward younger and smaller children, or in more violent ways.

Since the majority of bullying takes place in your child’s’ school, we will focus on fixing the problem there. By no means does this mean you can’t apply some of the principles we are talking about in other areas that bullying may be taking place. The first thing you must do is discuss what your intentions are with your child. Your child may already be feeling humiliated and may feel even worse if you do something at the school to embarrass him/her.

Reassure your child that help is available and that this is not something they will be facing alone. Tell him/her that you will be talking to the school, but you will not cause a scene or embarrass them in any way. Discuss possible solutions with your child. Discuss all possibilities, no matter how unrealistic some may be. Talking through it can help you think of good possibilities.

Get a clear picture from your child as to what has been going on. Who has been doing the bullying? Where and when? How often? Any witnesses?

Have they told anyone? Keep notes so that you can refer to them when you talk with the school.

If you feel that the situation is an emergency and you feel that your child is in danger mentally or physically, you must contact the school immediately and set up a meeting. If there is a school resource officer, have him/her present. The parents of the bully should also be at the meeting. The fact of the matter is that the bully’s parents often deny the problem. They may defend their child and rationalize the behavior. Be prepared for this and keep your cool. Keep the meeting focused on YOUR child and putting an end to the bullying.

Think about what you expect from the school and ask what the school will do to stop the bullying. Let them know what you and your child would like them to do. IE: Make sure that the allegations will be taken seriously and the complaint is kept confidential to protect the child. Suggest that more supervision is provided during break times and in hallways. Instruct all staff to keep an eye on those doing the bullying, and that adults will supervise those areas where bullying has taken place.

Ask the school to send you a copy of their policy concerning bullying and make sure that the procedures are being followed. Also, request that you receive a copy of the content and recommendations of your meeting in writing.

One very good way to deal with a bully situation is ‘Avoidance’. Coach your child on how to avoid the bully. Have him/her walk home using a different route everyday. Stay close to teachers on the playground. Come inside the minute that the bully appears in the neighborhood. Eventually

the bully will lose interest in your child.

Sometimes it can help to talk to other parents you trust. Ask them if they have ever had to deal with bullies and how they handled it.

In some situations, your child’s actions may be unknowingly inviting the bullying. The child who the bully ‘targets’ is typically small for his/her age, sensitive, quiet, and well liked by adults. The bully’s victim may not have many friends; therefore other children aren’t likely to come to his/her defense.

A child who is feeling vulnerable is more likely to be picked on. There may have been recent changes to your home and family life, such as the birth of a new baby, or a separation, or a death in the family, which may have your child feeling more vulnerable. Talk through any family problems and listen to how your child feels about things. A child who feels heard and understood will feel more able to cope with the situation.

We have found through our research that many times a child who is doing the bullying has some problems themselves. There is something causing them to act in the way they do. They may be being bullied themselves, or have been in the past. Many times it is from their own household. Part of the solution to the bullying problem is to try and help the bully!

Even though you can not change what has already happened, there is a lot you can do to help your child feel safer and to avoid being bullied.

The biggest and most powerful is by building his/her self-esteem and self-confidence. The bullies will look for weaker targets.

Following are a few basic strategies you can share with your children:

Ignore the bully

Walk away from the bully

Refuse to fight

Ask for help

We wish great health and happiness for you and your family!

Steve McChesney

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